Feeling tired

I woke up this morning feeling tired and a bit weepy. It was Bertie that got me out of bed. He
pounces on the bed and does not leave you alone, John must have sent him up. I just could not face swimming, John is checking when I can do front crawl again.  I spent the morning doing housework and potting around the house.
The girls and I went into town to meet and old friend which was lovely and then Primark for  a few bits. Then we went home as I seem very tired today, emotionally, mentally and physically. Being brave  and strong is hard work, I am scared of the treatment and how I will feel having the mask on my face. I will pretend I am swimming the River Dart, the last 2k was horrible as I lost my way a little , got very cold and very tired, but I did it, even though I ended having the shakes and ended up in the warming tent with mild hyperthermia and strangers helping me take my wetsuit and all my wet  cloths  and wrapping me in blankets. Back to the treatment, I am sure after the first week I will be fine and will wonder what I was worried about . Back home I just sat with Sophie and watched another Christmas movie.
The girls  and Jack have booked and paid for a meal at the local pub, so I am off out later with John.
Not so much wine as last night, as light weight Julie can not take it.

Its John's Birthday

While it is John's Birthday.  I should have made him  a cup of tea in bed, but I somehow forgot, but I did make his packed lunch to go to work and give him a wallet  and mars bars for his birthday.
My day starts with Shaun and Mo coming in to offer me chance to go on the back of Shaun's motorbike ( it is on my bucket list, I was not allowed a motorbike, but I did ride Clare's moped badly behind my parent's back years ago)  dressed as father or Mother Christmas with loads other bike going through Bristol, how cool is that!
Sarah from work came and took me to  Wyevale for a cup of tea and we shared a cake, trying to cut down a bit, which was lovely as I miss going into work and the people. The thing you loose  when you are ill is your sense of identity,  who you are has gone as you are not working and not playing sport, you also have people taking care off at time some of the time. Working at the nursing home you are used to caring for people not the other way round .I am also a bad patient!!!

Richard phoned on the way home to say he had been swimming and he could pop in so Richard and Gavin came in for lunch and Richard came to Blaise Castle to meet Sylvia ,  someone I used to work with at Ashley Down College, we were both support workers with special need adults , 16 years upwards. A job a was in for 11 years before I took voluntary redundancy, another job I really loved, we had  many laughs especially  the last year as Sylvia encouraged me , ha ha. Anyway we chatted about how I was and how the last year at college was good as we were lucky enough to be in the same class twice a week.  Anyway going back to Blaise, Bertie was a little monkey and kept running off , after squirrels etc., so on the lead he goes. Our usual cup of tea follows, cold today so we did not sit for long.
When I get back I pop over to my neighbour and friend Janet for a quick catch, which I  have always done .
We are off later  for a Meal so hence the blog  being done , as  after a glass  wine I will be hopeless at writing it , as I am a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. Making the most of my glass of wine as once the chemo starts the wine stops.

Back to Normal

Today life was  nearly back to normal because I walked Bertie in the Park at 9 am and meet up with Judith and her dog Slinky, the dogs love each other and chase the ball together till they lost it.
I returned home to find that I had had a visitor and she had left some flowers which was a lovely surprise. House work  needed doing, mum did offer to come up, but Sophie needs to learn how to do things as I will not be as active when the treatment kicks in and in some way prepare her for when I am not here!, so washing and tidying the kitchen was done, this is hard as neither of us are naturally tidy people, I(n our heads we are house proud)it just needs to be put into action. .Over the years I have taught her to cook, so now she very good cook.
Anna came in for coffee and a light hearted chat, on my bucket list is to buy something designer and Anna is the person to go shopping with.  After  lunch  we went to the mail to collect John jeans, then Morison's  for food, all boring stuff.
In the Evening I went training, Power walking  around Aztec with Celia , Mum and Elaine, the team. I did not manage the  full 4 1/2 miles. I managed just 3 miles and felt tired, but it isn't just about the walking , our team name is the Walkie Talkies and we live up to the name, so I will walk till the treatment does not allow me too.  Next week is the 4 1/2 miles.
Sophie picked me and back home to see John and  a cup of tea. I am also hoping John will pour me a glass of wine later, making the most of that too as I am sure wine and chemotherapy do not go.

A day in Poole

My day started with a run/power walk along the sea front. It felt just good putting on my running clothes, we had to  search for the trainer as they were still in the car. We managed  just3 miles, a combination of walking and running.(the distance on the  workout is not correct as the phone gave up, should have had my garmin watch)  We also managed to talk, Sally  has been brilliant, but admitted to finding it all  very hard.  My legs  felt very tired at the end , before I was ill I could power walk 6 and still have loads of energy!. Back for breakfast and then out to Sandbanks where we played crazy golf which was really good fun, followed by lunch in the café on the front. We walked along the sea front and the harbour afterwards, I never get bored of this and we have been and done the same things many times.
Back to the flat for a cup of tea and clear up before heading home, we phoned my mum up to say we were on the way and would pick the dogs up and she offered us Sunday lunch, mum does the best Sunday lunch, so at 6 o clock we were there. Phil and Sarah were there and I talked about Sophie, John and I doing a Relay Tri in May and asked if he would do a team one and he said he would do one on his own. So now I have blogged it, there is no going back Phil!!. I also have a list of other people that I get to do this one.   Sally has said she would do and I will badger other people.. I am also not giving up on the idea of doing the Moon walk in Edinburgh with Elaine, Celia and Mum.. I know this one will be a big ask. I know 26 miles is a long way, but with having registered, hotel and flight booked I am not giving up on my dream yet.  Sorry back to Sunday lunch, which was delicious  and the banter around the table never changes. Strictly to follow, poor Ed Balls leaving, but it was his time to go. Not sure who I want to win.
Back home to unpack the car and chill in front of the telly.  Another thing that has been decided is that we will visit Ireland and see where Jack lives. in half term if it fits in around treatment.


I apologise if I go of track with the writing the blog, but those who know me well, will say I can do that when I talk to you.

Quality time

Poole is lovely, I am very luckily, I draw back the curtain and watch the sea, all is ok for the moment in time, I am not ill and not starting radiotherapy. We went to see Poole harbour side this morning to see Father Christmas come in, then we went into Bournemouth for some lunch.

 We parked just before we got to Bournemouth, so we could we could walk along the front and look at the sea. We then went  to walked through the park to Christmas market.We had a simple hog roast from one of the stalls for lunch , followed by shopping for present, educating John in the art of Christmas shopping for when I am not here and also leaving him a list of what people like. There are many things he needs to learn! I will write a list on the things he needs training in ..... It never seems to leave me that I might not be here for many more Christmases or I could be too ill shop with them. When I saw them walking together as 3, I thought that is what it will be like soon.

I am happy, but I know the illness is terminal and it breaks my heart at time. Even the happiest moments remind things will never be the same again. I have asked them to do each other stocking when I am not here! To be honest I am writing this with tear rolling down my cheeks , but the blog does help.

After shopping we came back for a rest as I still get tired, the girls do each others hair, they need each other more that ever. I also get to watch a really rubbish film.

A lovely walk down along the seafront to the restaurant , although going down the steps from the flat was very dark.  The meal was lovely, glass of wine and spag

bol , what more could a girl want !

With new hat, scarf and gloves we walked back, to hear the waves gives you a feel good feeling, I was tempted to go for a paddle, but that can wait till the morning after I try to run for the first time since being ill, It might just be a power walk, but I will put my kit on to try. Sally is coming with me, she is a brilliant runner and last time we were here, we went out together but trained on our own.

Ps the Mask you see on the cancer advert is the same as the one I will wearing for the radiotherapy.

What a day

My day starts of with going to the BRI hospital to oncology. I am having a mask made for the radio therapy , when I am called in nervous to say the leaset but the man is lovely and explains what will happen. So I have this plastic sheet with loads of holes in it draped over my face, then he moulds into my face,  then I have to stay still till it goes hard for about 4 minutes, bingo a mask is made for your treatment. Next is a CT  with the mask on . This is not nice as the put the mask over your face and screw it down so your head will not move .Not the best thing I have done in my life!! This is all mentally challenging so I grateful for the swimming and long distance walking as it as given me the tools to cope with what is going on.
To finish the morning I have a MRI  scan, 3 of them so far, but I still do not find them pleasant. I also have the injection of fluid put in and that makes me feel weird. I am left very tired after all of this and almost tearful, but to constrict what I am saying it also gives me a fight in my belly seeing everyone suffering from cancer , it makes me want to fight.

I go home to the girls and mum and they are baking cakes. I try explaining what has gone on, but it is hard as I am so tired.  WE are off to Poole,(john parents Place) they are away so we are having a break,Packing is needed, no sooner said then done and we are driving to Poole, bad traffic we arrive at 5.20, in time for Neighbours, then out to the local Harvester for a meal down the road.

We  know the area very well.


I am happy to share my journey with who ever wants to read it, so if anyone wants to pass the details of the blog on , please do so. It may be boring in places  and not make sense, but for those that know me well I can talk a lot of rubbish!!

MRI not CT

well this is the 4 attempt at this as this computer is not doing what I tell it  !!!


The days starts with a lovely walk with Bertie , Emma and Betsy came too. both dogs love the ball being thrown and was a delight to watch them in the fields. With what has happened the last 4 weeks, it has made me realise the simple pleasure in  life a free and the best.


I then had a MRI scan which I was really dreading, because after each one came more bad new, so lets hope this one will not deliver more bad news. The scan itself was ok. I had to stay still for 1/2 hour, so I sang to myself "she will be coming round the mountain", I like the part red silk pyjamas, because I would like to wear them coming round the mountain,,,  I also sang Que Sera Sera, a song the residents like at Glebe. It go Que sera sera what ever will be will the future not ours to see Que sera sera. How true that is.  This is going to be sang at my funeral. I know I should not really say it, but if I blog it everyone can learn it and the church will not be quite.


In the afternoon I went to Shoebox and again I done the sweets to go into the boxes, we left at 5 . This has been good for me as no really knows me and therefore no knows I am ill. I also get to seat in a  lovely church and eat lovely ginger /pear cake at break time.


In the evening I went to a committee meeting at  the sailing club, this is my last one as social secretary as my term as come to an end. I wanted to go just to finish things off. 2 more events left, Laying up Supper, where the social team cook a meal and have a quiz afterwards. I have handed over Father Christmas as I will be mid way through treatment.  John is also on the committee and by going we get to spend time together. Saying that going to hospital has meant we do spend time together and it is quite nice !


I will go now as I am drinking a small glass of wine   and enjoying it.
Dreading tomorrow as BRI for more scan and info on the treatment.