satuday

this morning I should have been walking if this illness had not come, 6 miles on the Downs, I am missing my old routine and the way it made me feel good.   We did go and watch Sally play netball and her team won.


In the afternoon I went to Weston  Super Mare with Celia and Sophie. A walk on the pier and a play with the slot machines, the some early Christmas Shopping. A brilliant afternoon. I want to do all the Christmas shopping before the radio / chemo starts


It is only when I get home and stop that things become to much. I am aware that I need some counselling , so I will have to get that sorted. I so want to be strong for everyone, easier said than done.

Usual phone call to Celia to say I am ok. I did think about swimming today, but bottled it ! Also the sensation of water over my head is weird. I miss swimming very much with my friend Cathy . I will check I can swim before the treatment starts. Instead I mixed fruit up for the Christmas cake, how exicting!!. Mum also said dad would come up for company, but I said no as I just need to be on my own.

Julie came for a brief lunch, then Shoebox and bagging sweets for an hour, home for tea and dog training . Sally took us, Sophie and Bertie are going for thier gold citizenship award.  Sally stayed and watched for a bit and then went to ALDI shopping, not that exicting.  A day to feel normal.
Tommorrow when I feel brave I will look at the hammer out literature. I will also phone the people over the next couple of days I have not phoned back. The Queen of chat is suddenly finding chatting and being socialable hard. But as Sally pointed out I have always been Chatty but I am only sociable in small Doses. Hence the anti social sports.loving cycling on my own and training in the lake for up 2 hours for the long distance swims, also when i meet my friends it is not to sit and chat, but  either walk or swim. I nver really sit down for that long, always to busy. I can not tell you how horrible this all feels and i hate swearing, so I determined not to go there.

Reading about the diagnosis is hard

Woke up feeling shaky and must accept this is a bad day. Walked Bertie with Mum and Phil , then popped into the local church for Peace. Letter came through from hospital and it was the average time people have to live with the brain tumour. It is horrible, I just want to run and run. I am fed up with feeling rubbish.I am also fed up with tear rolling down my face, I do not want to feel the victim. I need help to come to terms with this, we all do.

I went to shoe box again at the local church, it was just the tonic I need, chatting to Morag while bagging up sweets and while staring at the cross makes me feel a sense of calm. Being in church, surrounded by people I do not know is good.

In the evening I met Sue(I was her Bridesmaid when we were young) It was great to catch up, as we do not see each other that often. We had a coffee, then a bit of shopping. Looking for Sally's Christmas present. We also bought Sophie and Jacks Present(can not say what it is as they read this).  For a couple of hours emotions are blocked out. 

A better day

A busy day, Emma took me to the sailing club in the morning to meet everyone. It broke the ice so that is done now. In afternoon the shoe box with Sophie (Daughter) and my mum I made loads of packs and sweets. I had good afternoon out with Sophie and mum. I helped Sophie to make dinner. In the evening I went to  ALDI shopping  to buy some food in, very good day. Shaky in the evening with John

Letter came through with all the treatment date on and this this made me feel shaky, what if the treatment has no effect , what if I die earlier. I am struggling.

I get tired very quicky

Still dreaming , but a good nights sleep.  Woke up 6.15 in time to wake Sophie up for college. John  made me a cup of tea and then had a chocolate that made me feel sick. The steroids I am taking at the moment have alleviated the effect of my allergy, I haven't eaten chocolate for years since I start sneezing so i'm making the most of this as I will stop taking those drugs soon.
Watched TV , morning breakfast, but can not watch the articles on cancer, too close to home.

Mum came up and said Phil(brother) was coming up to walk the dog, so we all went to the local park. It was lovely . I then went to church  and had a really good cry, I also put a notice on the prayer board asking for people to give me the strength and courage to tackle this horrible illness The hardest part for me and I needs to happen is to think that that the girls will have a future without me. We do need counselling to sort and process what is happening.  Sally has also agreed to get counselling, Sophie by luck is already seeing someone.

Paint shopping  at B & Q this afternoon, samples for the girls bedrooms, one is for Sally's flat in Cardiff , the other for Sophie’s room,  which has been on the agenda to do for a long time.  Very tired now.

Chatting to  Sally just now,  I am realising that it is not only coming to terms with diagnosis , but mourning the life I have lost, the 100 miles an hour Julie.  I loved going to Glebe and letting everyone know that I am in the building, singing with the residents(favourite part of the Job) and chatting to them all. I was lucky was job involved talking and I love talking.  The old Julie never sat still and was always behind with everything . At the moment walking around  B & Q tires me out.!!!

Life is not fair

Another  weird nights sleep, was watching  TV at 4.15.  John phoned Jane work at  7 and said I needed to visit, she was off out at 8.15 so I went down early and told her about  the tumour and how bad it was, we cried and laughed together, decided life was shit and had a laugh about other things. Taking time out sick for now, but I do miss doing the activities in the home, as my day in there was very busy and I do like that.

9.30 Mo came and Sally woke up, Mo and  I went to the mail to take stuff back and buy stuff for Johns birthday. We then went to John Lewis for coffee, but it was very noisy . What made my day was seeing a special needs student that I used to support as a support worker, she shouted across the shop and then came and hugged me.  She knew nothing of the aggressive brain tumour, that seems to be defining my life at the moment and it made me feel great, I smiled and smiled some more. I need some kind of normal.

Mum , popped in and so did Dad and Phil, Julie also popped in, but by 3.30 everyone had left, just Sophie and I.  Sally had gone back to Cardiff. This makes me feel a bit panicky at times, but this will be the normal. Emma also phoned up and we arranged a dog walk.

Celia came in after work which I look forward to, felt melt down coming on, but not completely. We chatted and cried together.

I have gone  from someone who went around at 100 miles an hour to this, sat on a sofa drinking endless cups of tea with people, 2 weeks seem like 10 years and all my things I do to combat stress have gone. I miss swimming and pushing the stoke hard , I miss the walking and running. I also miss the bike.

By the time John came home I was ready for the complete melt down and I had it!. Why me?  I don’t want to die?  I don’t want to leave Sophie and Sally. I don’t know if I can fight it. I screamed, cried and swore. Luckily Sophie is deaf and did not hear. There are no answers and life is not fair, never has been or my sister would not have died in a riding accident 25 years ago  and Sophie would not have had meningitis that left her deaf and with short term memory problems.   Life is   XXXX today and that's the way it staying.

trying to be normal

Megan from work came in today, life felt like normal, Megan works on the Dementia unit there and gave me loads of support when I first started. It was hard telling her about the tumour, but once that was out of the way we talked about work and it was lovely to feel normal.

Lunch was follow a trip to the garden centre to spend some vouchers. We bought a plant a pot, bulbs and some small plants.  When we got back Paul, Alex and Izzy came in, Paul is a close friend of John’s  and knowing there will a support network for John is vital.   I still feel very  tearful on and off, and also panicky but  I am sure those feeling are the new normal.

Back to helping plan tea, I am a food lover and being involved with the daily run of the house feels good.