Life is not fair

Another  weird nights sleep, was watching  TV at 4.15.  John phoned Jane work at  7 and said I needed to visit, she was off out at 8.15 so I went down early and told her about  the tumour and how bad it was, we cried and laughed together, decided life was shit and had a laugh about other things. Taking time out sick for now, but I do miss doing the activities in the home, as my day in there was very busy and I do like that.

9.30 Mo came and Sally woke up, Mo and  I went to the mail to take stuff back and buy stuff for Johns birthday. We then went to John Lewis for coffee, but it was very noisy . What made my day was seeing a special needs student that I used to support as a support worker, she shouted across the shop and then came and hugged me.  She knew nothing of the aggressive brain tumour, that seems to be defining my life at the moment and it made me feel great, I smiled and smiled some more. I need some kind of normal.

Mum , popped in and so did Dad and Phil, Julie also popped in, but by 3.30 everyone had left, just Sophie and I.  Sally had gone back to Cardiff. This makes me feel a bit panicky at times, but this will be the normal. Emma also phoned up and we arranged a dog walk.

Celia came in after work which I look forward to, felt melt down coming on, but not completely. We chatted and cried together.

I have gone  from someone who went around at 100 miles an hour to this, sat on a sofa drinking endless cups of tea with people, 2 weeks seem like 10 years and all my things I do to combat stress have gone. I miss swimming and pushing the stoke hard , I miss the walking and running. I also miss the bike.

By the time John came home I was ready for the complete melt down and I had it!. Why me?  I don’t want to die?  I don’t want to leave Sophie and Sally. I don’t know if I can fight it. I screamed, cried and swore. Luckily Sophie is deaf and did not hear. There are no answers and life is not fair, never has been or my sister would not have died in a riding accident 25 years ago  and Sophie would not have had meningitis that left her deaf and with short term memory problems.   Life is   XXXX today and that's the way it staying.