A hard day

I say that because it has been, emotionally I mean. I had a lovely walk this morning with Janet, mum and Heather.  When I got back a quick cup of tea with mum, then a rest.
Sally and I went shopping before counselling which was good. Counselling is very good, but it brings up many issues that you need to address and want to address, it leaves you feeling raw..
I also went out with the tri club, it ended up Ben and Liz in the end and we really chatted, for some reason I really opened up and they said to put down in writing how I really feel. So here goes...
When you are told you have a brain tumour you are in shock, then when you are told it cancerous you are in disbelief , then you have to somehow get your head around it all. What I have found hard is the sympathy I am given. I know that people mean well, and I do like it and it is hard for people to know what to say to me, but somewhere along the line I have felt my identity has gone. Before tumour I was working, training for a tri and swimming all the time, however, now I have a brain tumour which means I can not drive, swim, work and this makes me feel rubbish. I like control and I feel so out of control . I do not know how the next lot of chemo will make me feel and I just hope and pray the treatment is working. I dread the next scan and will not open any letters in case the date for the scan is on it. I will also not open any mail with my name on in case it is bad news again. I hate seeing the effect the illness has on my family and friends. It is hard knowing you are hurting the people you love and there is nothing you can do about it!! I try so hard to stay positive but it is so hard at times.
But what I do enjoy is being out with Liz , Ben, Marcus and Andrew and talking about there next tri events. I enjoy telling them what I hope to do.   I love talking about my bike.
I enjoy walking the dogs and talking about dogs. I love walking with Celia, Mum and Elaine, I love baking and talking about food. I love reading e mails, especially Cathy's when she talks about college and what she is up to. I love hearing about  what people are up to and there everyday lives.